September 5, 2017
Yup, I know it’s been awhile since my last post - time keeps on slippin' slippin’ into the future. Guess I realize now that I can’t seem to get through a post without some sort of musical reference or allusion so why fight it. Most of you who know me probably get that about me anyway- music has always been a big part of my life, so it should be no surprise that it’s always at my side trying to get me through the next thing, whether a traffic jam, a workout, a night out, a time out, a break-up a make-up a hard time, whatever. One of the many stupid things I said when I was younger when chatting up some words of wisdom with my friends, probably before I’d even ever had my first “girlfriend, was that I’d never marry someone who didn’t have good taste in music. I guess probably what I meant was my taste in music, as if I’d been appointed the mayor of good taste in that department somehow. But truthfully, it usually was a deal-breaker if the musical tastes were butting ear drums all the time. Why am I bringing this up? Well Abby, during radiation treatments, is allowed to pick a genre of music from whatever they can find on Pandora (I think it’s Pandora; possibly Spotify). So when I was helping her choose, alternative 90s was what we came up with. The young guy in charge of music was so friggin’ happy, and even the rest of the crew seemed genuinely surprised (in a good way) to hear something other than Billy Joel, Elton John, Frank Sinatra, and a Simon and Garfunkel to be named later (all of whom I like btw). But hearing Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Cyprus Hill, Smashing Pumpkins et al kicking ass while she’s under the zapper somehow felt about right, energy-wise and otherwise. And so it remains, with an occasional foray into early hardcore rap/hip of the late 80s early 90s.
Flash forward; awoke at 2:30am Thursday, thought I was dreaming when I heard Jada barking outside- nope reality- no Abby upstairs-no Aliza- wtf someone kidnapped my family. Abby let dogs out??? and was in the bathroom downstairs coughing- had taken the inner canulla out ( a tube inside of her trachea tube) which was good but I was like wtf it's 2:30am the dog(s) are outside barking. Whatwherewhywhowhenhop. Anyway, I corralled everyone back upstairs and eventually got back to bed at 4. The predictable in my life is that it's unpredictable. Think I have the start for my next post, even though we’re two graphs in.
The last week since we’ve been home have been extremely busy for a multitude of reasons, starting with that the docs picked up right where they left off with radiation and chemo, though they moved her chemo treatment temporarily from Tuesday to Thursday to give her a bit a break since we didn’t get home from MGH until about 7pm last Monday night. Also, this week will be back to “normal” though we actually do get Monday/Labor Day off with most of the rest of the working class. And I’ve really had to spend a lot of time prepping for getting back into the workforce, meaning my day job, plus my night job teaching two classes at Emerson; first one starts this Wednesday night and I thankfully, painfully, just finished my syllabus this past Friday. Luckily because of the holiday, my Monday class doesn’t start until next week- reprieve-so I still need to finish up that syllabus, hopefully tomorrow. Then still need to post a lot of sh*t to CANVAS, our online LMS (learning management system); presentations, assignments, quizzes, readings, plus a host of other things that I know 99 percent of the students will not even look at or download but I still need to fill up "the cloud" with and well, just etc. etc. and so on. Finally, though not lastly; now comes the juggling of the pieces of getting Abby to daily radiation,weekly chemo, taking care of her, here taking care of herself, working, teaching, juggling chainsaws, digging new trenches, battening down the hatches, learning to fly and generally making it all up as I/we go along.
This morning packed up the ol’ bandwagon and took Aliza back to Emerson for her sophomore year. Julie Rainer Cummings, pal in hand came and hung out with Abby and learned all things medical, in quite the crash course. Being nimble and deft and dodging and weaving she navigated a chunk of the day in my stead (thank you thank you) so I could do my daddy duties, which don’t feel like an obligation as much as it does just being there for our kids because that’s what we want to do. Well, at least most of the time… But yes, a little melancholy for Abby I’m sure having her go back, but this too is just part of the million piece jigsaw puzzle we have laid across our house that we never meant to buy. Lets see that on a store shelf sometime soon and see if anybody buys one- bet not, unless it’s just a prank “you’re turning 90 gift” and you really want to mess with their head.
Since we’ve been home though, Abby has definitely taken a more active part in trying to help and care for herself, which is great, for all of us involved. The docs/nurses really want her to know everything that I know, which basically fits in a dixie cup, but regardless, she is doing much better with some of things that a couple of weeks ago she wouldn’t, or couldn’t do. One thing I will never be able to do though, is to wear Abby’s hat, and walk the walk she has to do, feel what she’s going through mentally and physically, experience the pain, the fear of what she’s going through. I can try my best, but it will always be just this side of actually being there, of being her. I try and remind myself of that occasionally, maybe that’s why I cracked my head on the molding a couple of weeks ago- a not-so-gentle-reminder (spell check wanted that word to be “reindeer” btw) to not forgot what your patient might be feeling.
Meanwhile, back on our dining room table, the health insurance system continues on its march to deforest the planet and keep the USPS solvent by peppering our mailbox daily with 2-3 or 4 letters about a new “claim” that I should go look uo online to find out the status of, and a denial, or a payment or a random $30 check or two, or wait, here’s a random large check for $3800+ and why am I getting this?? Be sure to go online and spend hours trying to figure it out, as well as why am I getting ambulance bills that have not even been processed by the insurance company which I know because when I call their customer service center in a far off land that would probably be lovely to visit but not necessarily call to and chat with random representatives they tell me in their I’m trying as hard as I can English that they don’t even have a record of said bills yet. And while I know that was quite the run on sentence I just laid out, imagine that stretched into an hour-long phone call.
One of several of the billion random thoughts that have passed through my noggin this week; first time in 24 years of living in Swampscott that I haven’t been to the beach in the summer. Now, I mean I see the beach pretty much every day which is awesome and why we live here, I’ve been on it back in the winter/spring with Abby and the pups etc., but I mean really beaching it and loafing like a piece of washed up driftwood with no place to go but bake in the sun. And honestly, don’t too much of that anyway because I don’t love the heat and well aging and wrinkles are doing a fine job on my body without the help of the sun. But still, when you live in a beach-side community, there’s this sort of civic obligation you feel to get on that beach and track some sand home. Just because. But I know the beaches will be still be there next year unless the fake news of global warming turns out to be somehow someway real and pushes the shoreline a 1/4mi. inland and I suddenly own beachfront property, in which case I’ll just sit on my front porch steps and dip my toes right in there, and row row row my boat gently down the street.
Once again, as I start to think about signing off and saying g’nite, I can’t but help to circle back and think about all the kindness of people place and things of the last week, and how many non-random acts of kindness were performed, donated, and prayed for us. I would like to ask one more favor though when you are thinking of us, praying, smiling, sending well wishes; if you could include my only brother Scott, as well, who has been waging his own cancer fight for the last 18 months. Don’t mean to randomly bring that up so I apologize, as I’ve tried to keep my posting about Abby and us, but he’s waiting for some (hopefully) good news on his latest round of scans, so I figure every good thought and well wish certainly can’t hurt, and you can’t blame a guy for trying to milk the good will on a rare occasion.
Enjoy your Labor Day everyone, as I hear Harvey should be blown out to see by tomorrow. So if you’re at the beach by chance, skip a stone for us, and maybe follow it it with a beer and a bonfire whole your at it.
Love to you all.
Commentaires