7/24/18
Right now, we should be sitting on the dock of the chemo bay at MGH. Alas, Abby has had a very difficult week or two, pain-wise, so we decided to cancel this week's treatment. After last Tuesday's chemo left her in ridiculous pain, and continued the next day or two, the oncologists thought that maybe she should skip a week (this week) and get back on it next week. But by Thursday/Friday she seemed a bit better, so we decided to try and keep it going. Then a rough weekend and a rough Monday sealed the deal so it finds our weary warrior resting at home. She's still pretty uncomfortable despite the fact that they've upped her pain meds. Maybe she's a skosh better(?) - I hope so, and hope it abates as the week goes on so we can continue the fight next week.
It's extremely hard for me sitting in my hubby command chair, to watch Abby in so much pain. and not be able to do much more than check in, rub her back/feet, help with juggling/quantities of the pain meds. I definitely didn't learn any of this in Art School, and I guess as they say I'm learning at the School of Hard Knocks, which I've unfortunately had the displeasure of visiting and learning at too many times in my life already. There's actually a song called "School of Hard Knocks" by the very forgettable early '80s metal band "Black 'N Blue". But I still remember the brilliant lyrics, so they deserve a mention here:
"There's no time, you're all worked out And you can't help feeling like a sewer trout, ha ha"
A sewer trout? I mean I don't know WTF that is, but I can relate to feeling like one somehow- floating in waste, in the dark, not sure which way to swim, helpless, in a world not your own. I'm sure that's what they meant when they wrote it. Or else they were totally baked. Well yeah, of course, that makes a lot more sense. But the reality is, all trout aside, is that you just want the people you care about and love the most to be well, and protected from harm, and not feel pain or anguish or even pity. It's hard when people want to see Abby and she's just not up for it, especially lately, and I have to play bad guy. I know most people understand- it's not about them, it's not personal, it's about Abby, and how she feels. It's exhausting for her sometimes to see friends and family. She has to write EVERYTHING down. No voice, no words. Thoughts have to pour out of her head onto paper, (which she prefers, to say a text to speech app) and it's time consuming and a protracted process. I know how hard that is, and I'm just typing a blog and getting the shit out of my brain formed into something squishy and readable without the physical pain and issues she has. It doesn't mean to stop asking to see her, it just means patience is a virtue. This is Daunting with a capital "D" folks.
So I'm Hoping, with a capital "H", that this week will be an R&R week for her. Hoping the pain recedes, Hoping she feels better and can continue treatment next week, Hoping she's able to smile and not grimace, Hoping this is partly the result of the chemo Working, with a big fucking capital "W".
Love to you all, (capital "L"),
Craig, Abby, Ben and Aliza
Sending healing prayers for Abby and hugs to all ❤️Steve and Lorin
Our prayers continue for you. Love and miss you, Abby. 💕
Thinking of you all and hoping Abby starts feeling better soon. XOXO Sending hugs and kisses!