What can I say? It truly is another other world out in LA for this East Coast boy. I really don't get fazed by much, especially these days, and honestly, LA was everything I'd heard and seen. It's hard to believe it took a good chunk of my life to make it to California for the first time, but life, as we know, works in wacky ways.
This was truly a "part-vacation", part "fact-finding" mission for me and Ben, and his girlfriend Dani, and her mom, Nicole. Ben and Dani and three other friends are moving to LA in July/August, and we were out there to scope out areas to live in, and hopefully find them an apartment/house to live in, and yes, they will be residents of LA July/August. Plus, we all had family and friends out there to connect with, so we wanted to see a lot of people, and we did.
By the end of my first weekend in LA, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing the so very many songs about Cali/LA- no matter where I walked or drove, there was a song for it. And I'm not even including the Beach Boys or many other songs that will come to your mind. Celluloid Heroes (Kinks), I Left My wallet in El Segundo (Tribe Called Quest), LA Woman (Doors), Ventura Highway (America), Screenwriter's Blues (Soul Coughing), California Dreaming (Mamas and the Papas); Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers); Welcome to the Jungle (Guns 'N Roses); To Live and Die in L.A. (2Pac); Free Falling (Tom Petty); It Never Rains in Southern California (Albert Hammond); Redondo Beach (Patti Smith); Straight Outta Compton (N.W.A.); Walking in L.A. (Missing Persons); Still in Hollywood (Concrete Blonde); Santa Monica (Everclear); All I Wanna Do (Sheryl Crow); Los Angeles (Frank Black); Malibu (Hole), and finally, Born In East LA by Cheech & Chong. Wherever I went, there was a soundtrack following me. And never mind my new appreciation for "The Californians" skit on SNL which I always loved anyway, but now reverberates in my brain because yes, I heard people talking like that. Truth is stranger than fiction, and fiction can get pretty weird, so what does that say about the truth? I dunno, but it's says something.
So speaking of the truth, I started this post at least a couple of weeks ago. I've been frozen creatively somewhat- and in my life in general- suspended in my state of disbelief, that what's happened to me has really happened, and continues to happen. I know there are phases to this hell I'm I'm going through- the same gates of hell that many people pass through and hopefully come out the other side, only partially scorched. The healing and dealing with scarring is different for everyone, but I'm finding myself wanting to peak under the hospital johnnie and the bandages and see what's coming next for me, since I feel incapable of seeing it myself. I'm just wanting to move forward- and I suppose I am in my wandering Jew way- I just don't want to spend the next 40 years doing so.
I know that a big issue is with my difficulty in finding gainful employment. It's hard to have your personal life and professional life both fucked up at the same time, with no end in sight. I know, I know, it takes time. But how much? There's the million dollar question. Because there's no answer, so no one's going to collect on that question, ever. I continue to draw energy, love and guidance from friends and family- without you/them I'd be totally lost and more adrift than I feel now, and right now I'm in the friggin' Bermuda Triangle (why do I sometimes say "fuck" and sometimes "friggin"- I guess because I don't want to say "fuck" too many times but clearly I am fucking failing miserably at that). I'm just not used to feeling like I have no control over my life or the direction it's heading- and right now it feels more like a beheading than anything else. When Abby was first diagnosed, it basically threw my world off it's axis, and it's still spinning off-kilter, and I'd prefer to feel the terra firma beneath my feet where I'm not all arms akimbo constantly trying to catch my balance everyday. However, Arms Akimbo was also a very fun band that played the Rat back in the 80s, so all I am saying is that the two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other except that there were many nights at the Rat that I definitely did not have good balance.
I am starting to teach a summer design class at Emerson tonight; it will be good to be working, at least for the next 6 weeks, and have 2 nights of my dance card occupied weekly. Someone recently was asking me about my summer plans, and as I laid them out, I realized... that there was absolutely nothing to lay out. Now I'm not saying this to throw a pity party at my expense; it's just weird because I can't make plans, go to fun things that actually cost money to get into, waste dozens of single dollars playing Keno, when I'm not working. And I did just go to LA which was awesome, but it's the not having much to look forward to is what's hard. I suppose I could go all deep on you and say it's really about "hope", because in a way that's kind of the feeling (at least for me) that I get when I look forward to something. It can set you up for disappointment however, if you "hope" too much, that any one thing is going to change your life, whether it be a person, place or thing. Sometimes the anticipation is the best part, unless it keeps you waiting and stuck in the past and not moving forward (thanks for the concept, Carly Simon). It's just hard when you're stuck between a past life that you knew and loved and a future that looks - I don't know - not bright, maybe just murky. I don't see that as ever being a best seller in the fortune cookie world "Your future looks...murky" though personally I'd give it an "A" for honesty.
Last weekend (May 11-13) was particularly tough for me. While I had great reason to celebrate some amazing occasions that I had had on my calendar for many months, it still was a kick in the balls reminder of being without Abby. Saturday brought my friend's daughter's wedding, which was beautiful, and I was at a table with my very close friends. But it's still tough to slog through it at certain moments, though the open bar certainly worked it's charms on me. Sunday was not only Aliza's graduation from Emerson (a truly blessed event), but was also Mother's Day. I know it was hard for all of us; Ben, Aliza, me, and of course Abby's mom Marge, and her brother Matt too (her brother Adam lives in CA). We were all together, so that certainly helped, but there was still that void, with no real way to fill it. Abby was with us no doubt, but I wanted her there physically, to have that joy of seeing Aliza graduate, and being the mom who brought her into the world (with an assist from dad- I mean I did hold her hand and let her squeeze the crap out of it while in labor- it's almost the same right? I can hear the curses being flung my way already...) Monday, the 13th, would've been our 30th anniversary. I always thought we'd be in Paris for that; Abby's favorite place. I'd been dreading the date since last year- when she was sick I was just hoping/praying that we'd get to celebrate it together, but was not meant to be. After she passed, it just sat there on the calendar for 9 long months, slowly creeping up on me month-by-month. You know it's coming, the date looming larger and larger, but you can only be so prepared for it. My friends made sure I wasn't alone, and that helped. But the triple whammy of those 3 days back-to-back are still messing with me. And I know there was a lot of goodness to much of that weekend, which is ultimately what kept me going and what kept me relatively rooted in saneness, as opposed to just insane and in sadness.
I wish I could adopt Timbuk 3s - "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" as my theme song, even though it really is not that great of a song. But I like the title, and it gives me a chuckle, if not an earache when I listen to it. I'd just like a little bit of a nibble of good fortune so I can get it playing in my mind and I can actually feel like that, and not just pretend play. No one has to remind me (mostly) that I am still very lucky to have had what Abby and I had together, and that we managed to have 2 great kids who we didn't mess up much (opinions are solely expressed by the author alone). But I feel a bit selfish, because I want more, need more, and desperately need to work for both financial reasons (duh, Craig), but for creative and emotional reasons too. It's exhausting treading water day after day, though it probably keeps you in good shape (upside!) I just don't want to end up swimming with the sharks, no sunscreen, and looking like a salty prune. Where's the damn life preserver when you need it?
Yes CA is great. Everytime I go visit Adam I undestand why people want to live there, even though it is not really anything like I would think I would like, but I do. Haha!